Choose your own Lovely Brothers adventure

1. Do you like THE LOVELY BROTHERS?

“Yes” – go to paragraph 2.

“No” – go to paragraph 3.

2. Do you want to see them play a gig?

“Yes, of course, they are my favourite band!” – go to paragraph 4.

3. Why are you on their mailing list then, you wally?

“I’m related to them” – go to paragraph 5.

“They got my address through illicit means” – go to paragraph 5.

4. Where do you live?

“London, that’s where all the cool people live” – go to paragraph 6.

“Brighton, that’s where all the cool people live” – go to paragraph 7.

“Somewhere else” – go to paragraph 9.

5. Sorry.

6. THE LOVELY BROTHERS are playing a gig in London this Saturday (Feb 4) at the Bull & Gate in Kentish Town. Do you want to know who else is playing?

“Go on then...” – go to paragraph 10.

“No I only care about The Lovely Brothers” – go to paragraph 14.

7. THE LOVELY BROTHERS are playing a gig in Brighton quite soon! It will take place at the Marlborough Theatre on Princes Street the Saturday after next (Feb 18). Do you want to know more?

“Please furnish me with more details” – go to paragraph 12.

“Do I have a choice?” – go to paragraph 12.

9. You will not be able to see THE LOVELY BROTHERS unless you get the train. Alternatively, why not arrange a gig for us in your shed?

“I can’t be arsed” – go to paragraph 11.

“My shed is too small to house a neo-cabaret ironic punk band” – go to paragraph 13.

“A theatre company have already booked it for their stage version of Wurzel Gummidge” – go to paragraph 17.

10. MR G & RICH and some band called THE DUVETS. It costs £4. Do you think you’ll come?

“Dare you question my devotion?” – go to paragraph 14.

“No” – go to paragraph 15.

11. Okay, but I’ll remember that next time you come knocking on my shed door.

“What do I do know? You didn’t ask me a question?” – go to paragraph 16.

12. Also on the bill is MC FASHION (An all-singing, all-dancing chav in need of Ritalin), and MJ HIBBETT (A protest singer for the geek generation). It costs £4 and starts at around 8pm. Do you think you’ll come?

“Dare you question my devotion?” – go to paragraph 14.

“No” – go to paragraph 15.

13. What about your garage, then?

“Look, I’m not interested” – go to paragraph 5.

14. You are truly a good fan. Well done! To see how much of a fan you are, would you care to do a short test?

“Yes, my liege” – go to paragraph 1.

15. Why not?

“I don’t really like neo-cabaret ironic punk music” – go to paragraph 1.

“I’m going to a shed in Hastings to see a stage version of Wurzel Gummidge” – go to paragraph 17.

16. I don’t know. What do you fancy doing?

“I want to play a game about pigs”
– go to www.pigfarming3.cjb.net

“I want to read a story about Britney Spears”
– go to www.collective-lust-of-mankind.cjb.net

“I want to peruse THE LOVELY BROTHERS website”
– go to www.thelovelybrothers.co.uk

17. Really? I’ve always thought that would make a great show. Can I come?

“No, it’s quite experimental, you wouldn’t like it” – go to paragraph 11.

“No you can’t make it because you’ve got a gig to play!” – go to paragraph 18.

18. I’d forgotten about that, where’s the gig?

“The one in Brighton?” ­ – go to paragraph 7.

“Or the one in London? – go to paragraph 6.